CIA Tortures Terrorists With Celebrity Twitter Updates

May 5th, 2009

by Dubya Gump

'I'll do anything no, not the Twitter, no, please!'

VIRGINIA - USA - The Central Intelligence Agency has revealed that it reads out the boring, tedious banal mutterings of celebrities on social news website Twitter to gain confessions from hardened terrorists and criminals.

Forget about waterboarding or having electrodes stuck to your testicles with 50,000 volts running through them, the CIA has found a far more effective and easy way of extracting information from terror suspects.

"All we need is a room, a pc with an internet connection linked up to Twitter and a few hours or days, sometimes even minutes. The terrorists are soon singing like canaries when we read out the banal boring twitterings of celebrities to them day in day out. I've actually seen some of these terrorists beg to be put out of their misery and some even tried to pull out their eyes and ears in despair such is the power of Twitter," one of the CIA operatives told US Torture Weekly magazine.

According to Pentagon officials, this is one form of torture which is endorsed by president Obama because it brings better results and is supposedly 'humane'.

Khalid bin Allusnakbar, a former Al Qaida spy in Iraq spoke of the horror of the experience: "By Allah, oh how I cried tears of grief. They began reading me the minute by minute updates of Jonathan Ross on the first day. I begged them to stop and pleaded with them. Then on the second day I did not even know if it was day or night actually, they started to read out the minute to minute updates of Britney Spears, I was by now delirious and I begged to be put out of my misery. I finally cracked when they brought out Stephen Fry's Twitter account, at one point they said I was crawling up the concrete wall with my fingernails bleeding but I can't remember the rest because I fainted and woke up in the sick bay. I told them everything they wanted and more. Anything to stop them repeating the worst torture of my life."

Celebrity Twitter Torture as the CIA has dubbed it has become so popular and so successful that other intelligence agencies around the world are now taking note and binning the red hot pokers, electrodes and electric drills for much less messy and more efficient interrogation techniques.

"There's no blood involved, you don't make such a mess and to date there have not been any fatalities, although we have had one coma. It's the way of the future that's for sure and it gets results," Deputy Director of the CIA's torture dept. Bill O'Hannity told Fox News.

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