China to Censor China

January 14th, 2010

by Xama Lama Ding Dong

The greatest thing about censorship is _____ and ______ as well as the added bonus of ______.

BEIJING - China - The Chinese president has declared all out war on China and will censor all communication in the communist country, an information ministry official said today before being censored.

Speaking at a Censorship Ministry meeting to address the issue of censorship, the officer in charge of all Censor-Speak in China, Ziang Shh Shh, said: "Listen carefully because my words will be censored as soon as I speak. Comrades, fellow brainwashed robots, your every word will be censored from now on. In fact, all language is an afront to our ideology of total censorship."

As soon as Mr Shh Shh spoke, a Censor Officer stood up and shot Mr Shh Shh in the head with a gun, his body was then dragged away so that his body parts could be harvested.

All speech and written language in China is now subject to heavy censorship. One man at a Shanghai bus stop even had his sneeze censored because it was an unauthorised sneeze session and therefore deemed as a threat to the communist state. Schools across China have also borne the brunt of the new censorship directives: "Everything a person says now has to be passed through an intermediator of the state. This is why school lessons can now take up to 8 hours to complete a lesson that usually takes 45 minutes," a disgruntled teacher said before being censored.

The Chinese government has also decided to censor the Great Wall of China by putting a piece of cloth over the long structure and pretending it's not there.

Even the head of the People's Republic, Hu Jintau, has not escaped censorship when a recent speech he wrote was censored by his own hand. He ended up stepping onto the podium in front of 650,000 people gathered in Tiananmen square who heard him grunting inaudibly whilst shuffling his feet. Of course, the president's speech was received with the usual automatic applause which was immediately censored with the use of speakers blurting out high pitched siren sounds mixed in with farm yard animal noises.

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