Random Horrific Daily Mail Headline Every 30 Seconds in UK

November 2nd, 2009

by Weir Allgunadye

Help!

LONDON - England - The Daily Mail pumps out more horrific stories per day than any other fear-mongering media outlet, says an independent press body.

Someone is attacked by a Daily Mail headline every 30 seconds in Britain, figures revealed last night.

"Is it safe to come out from under the bed yet?"

After reading the latest stabbing headlines from the Daily Mail, many are so traumatised that they dare not go outside into the seething mass of tortuous hell that is Daily Mail Britain today.

It's bad enough trying to survive in Gordon Brown's Britain without having the horrific gruesome fear inducing headlines from the Daily Mail rammed into your brain every 30 seconds.

"I live in perpetual fear. I never put the lights on in my house at night and cower under the kitchen table reading the Daily Mail on my laptop. If it's not how my house value has dropped by 3,500%, it's about some nasty vermin feral scum who is waiting outside my door to stab me repeatedly with a six inch kitchen knife. Ooh look! I just refreshed the headline now and it says that I could die soon from cancer if I don't eat more grapes everyday. Aaargh!" Johnson B. Smythe, 45, from Middle Britain told the Daily Mail.

The true picture of violent Daily Mail stories could be even worse. Some experts believe that they are getting even more fearful by the day.

"We believe that the stories are getting so incredibly ridiculous that one day the Daily Mail offices might just explode with anguish. It would be quite a sight to behold, all those overpaid Daily Mail bullies all with their already huge heads exploded all over the streets. Quite a sight I tell you," one of the media experts working on the project divulged.

Add your comment

Name:

Email: (Your email address will not be published)

Subject:

Comment:

Daily Squib on Facebook

DAILY SQUIB NEWS

• Africans Refusing Clothing From America

• Spaniards to Build Hotels Without Balconies For Brits on Holiday

• Footballer's Wife Forgives Footballer's Wallet After Another Indiscretion

• Tony Blair Could Launch Book Signing in 45 Minutes

• Cost Cutting Ryanair Planes to be Flown On Autopilot

• Glenn Beck Birth Certificate Says He Was Born in Afghanistan

• Hague: "I'm Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is"

• Massive Investigation After England Wins a Cricket Match

• Coventry Chinese Restaurant Employs Cat Napper Mary Bale

• Bush Returns to Arena With Six-Figure Memoir Book Deal

Fair and Balanced News Updates

Could This be the New SuBo?

COVENTRY - England - Britain's Got Talent judges and the British public have been astounded by the latest piece of massive talent to come out of our great...

George Michael Looking Forward to Jail

LONDON - England - Pop singer George Michael has revealed his joy at the prospect of being sent to jail for reckless driving while under the influence of drugs.

Tony Blair Book Bestseller in Iraq

BAGHDAD - Iraq - Former British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, made a surprise visit to the war-torn capital city today to attend a much appreciated book signing.

Government Pathologist Says Dr. Kelly's Death 'Textbook Suicide'

LONDON - England - The untimely death of Iraq weapons expert, David Kelly, was a "textbook case" of suicide, according to the government appointed...

Fury as Furious Politicians Spit Fury at Furious Voters

LONDON - England - There was fury at a rally in Parliament square yesterday as furious crowds of furious protesters reacted furiously to furious Coalition...

Obama Having White House Redecorated During Vacation

WASHINGTON DC - USA - Barack Hussein Obama is having the White House redecorated to suit his tastes better whilst he and his family enjoy their sixth vacation...

Why Social Networking Has Been Best Tool for Criminals and Governments

WASHINGTON DC - USA - Once upon a time it used to be quite hard for the government and criminals to get private data from individuals, nowadays the information...

Universities Teach Degrees in 'Unemployment Studies'

NEWCASTLE - England - Universities will be forced to give compulsory courses to all students in unemployment studies says the chief coalition education Tsar,...

Lord Gnome - b3ta.com

News makes great conversation 
as it involves us all, if you 
enjoy playing bingo you can 
share news there too.

5 Reasons to Trade Forex Instead of Stocks

Contact the Daily Squib advertising team

SEARCH: