Health and Safety Found to be Unsafe

July 8th, 2009

by Uttam Adness

Health and Safety

LONDON - England - Britain's Health and Safety commission has been found to be unsafe and will be disbanded within the year says the Ministry of Common Sense.

The Health and Safety board will be dismantled after a recent Parliamentary White Paper put through the House of Lords found the Labour Stasi unit to be "unsafe and extremely hazardous" to the public.

Speaking to ITN News, head of the Common Sense Ministry in Whitehall, Sir Ludwig Sane, outlined the main reasons for the final curtain being pulled on Health and Safety: "Frankly we've had enough. They're fucking bonkers. You can't even get out of bed these days without some trumped up overpaid shister in a white coat and a hardhat running over to you and telling you to stay in for the day. They're now stopping people crossing the roads, walking on pavements and looking up into the sky."

Last week the Labour government tried to increase Health and Safety units already covering the whole of Britain to cover Northern Ireland and the rest of the British Isles.

"We are increasing our numbers every day and soon Britain will be a complete Health and Safety zone so that we can have even more control over your hazardous lives. No one can stop our Health and Safety ways. No one! Not even the Squib!" Deputy to the Head of Health and Safety, Roger Yarwood boasted to our paper.

Labour Stasi ministers were said to be furious with the plans to kerb their flagship bureaucratic nonsensical waste of money body and have vowed to fight the common sense ruling to ban Health and Safety indefinitely.

Before this article was written, a Health and Safety officer attempted to stop me from typing on the keyboard. He was led into the Daily Squib office toilets and his head dunked in the toilet bowl repeatedly by the chief editor and a load of Squib staff writers. It is safe to say that we won't see him and his Health and Safety again for awhile.

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